


you are beautiful i'm afraid

by thisaccountisdone



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Child Abuse, Drug Use, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 07:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1542629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisaccountisdone/pseuds/thisaccountisdone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nico and Jason have to work together on a project and everything about Jason seems perfect... But really nothing is. </p><p>Trigger warning for self harm, abuse, prescription drug abuse, mentions of cancer, and mentions of suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What started as a simple Nico has Borderline Personality Disorder fic soon spiraled... Please read the trigger warnings before reading!

_"Anything that is beautiful, people want to break,_  
 _And you are beautiful I'm afraid..."_

It came in patterns that Nico didn’t understand. Sometimes he was so high that he was in Heaven and other times he was so low that he was in the pits of Hell. The mood swings weren’t just happy and sad; they were manic and suicidal, paranoid and enraged.  
  
Nothing helped when he was depressed. He’d see shadows run up and down the walls and hear voices calling his name. His ears buzzed but he wasn’t truly there. His body wasn’t real; he wasn’t real. Nothing was real when he got like that.  
  
Then there was the ecstasy of being manic. Every time he was manic, he became a god. He could do anything and no one could stop him. He held his head high and laughed as if nothing burdened him. It was so easy to laugh. He couldn’t stop laughing.  
  
Being manic wasn’t bad until you got the urges. They were always different; the impulse to go outside at 4am barefoot in the freezing cold. The impulse to jump in front of speeding car. When he got too high, it wasn’t hard to come down. Just take three or four sleeping pills and everything stopped spinning. He’d sleep for hours and only wake up refreshed with the help of a friendly dose.   
  
Paranoia and rage were the worst, though. He could deal with depression and mania but those two were different. When he was paranoid, it was like everyone was out to get him. Anyone laughing was suddenly laughing at him. Every word and body movement was over analyzed and stiff and stupid, stupid, stupid.   
  
He wanted to shut everyone out. Keep them away and lock himself up where they couldn’t find. He could never tell what other people were thinking. They hated him and thought he was stupid. Every negative word he could think of was directed at himself when he spoke to others.  
  
Then there was rage. He saw spots across his vision and everything went dark. It was like he lost himself. He never quite remembered what he would say but he remembered his voice rising higher and higher until his fists were balled at his side and he was trying not to scream. He’d find nail marks bitten into the skin; little crescent shapes that slowly faded away.  
  
Some days he loved himself. Other days, he couldn’t even go outside.  
  
Today was one of those days where he felt like a ghost. His body felt like it was there but it really wasn’t. He was breezing through the day with a screen covering his eyes. Everything was blurry and grainy and he just wanted to sit down and stop.   
  
He felt like he was underwater. People would speak and their faces would move and he’d hear garbled sounds but it wouldn’t quite register. He responded mechanically as if he knew what was going on around him.  
  
“Nico?” A voice said. “Nico, right?” Nico looked up with furrowed eyebrows. No one ever sat with him at lunch. Usually, he’d sit in the library alone. All the librarians knew him by now; knew he didn’t eat lunch. Sometimes Hazel or Percy would drop by but they didn’t stay for long. Percy hated the library.   
  
He knew the person talking to him. There was a tiny scar over his lip which Nico always thought was kind of hot. They’d never really talked because they were in different groups but they had a few of the same classes.   
  
Nico stared in bewilderment as Jason Grace pulled out a chair and sat in front of him. “We didn’t get a chance to talk in theatre,” Jason went on, cocking his head to the side.  
  
“Yeah, sorry,” Nico told him as if he knew what Jason was talking about. He blinked hard a few times, trying to get his vision to clear up. The grey film over everything didn’t lift but the graininess at least stopped.  
  
“About our project,” Jason ventured.   
  
“Our project.” Nico repeated dumbly.   
  
Jason stared for a moment. Slowly, he opened his bag and pulled out a folder. From that folder, he pulled out a single piece of paper. “I took notes.”  
  
Nico nodded as Jason rattled off the project details. They were supposed to create a performance piece based off a single poem. This piece was supposed to incorporate both students and use no words. It would be a challenge but Nico was good at not talking.  
  
“I don’t really know a lot of poetry,” Jason admitted.  
  
“If you want to get deep, we could use Poe.” Jason stared at Nico again and Nico blinked, face turning slightly red. Jason had a deep gaze with lightning blue eyes. Nico swallowed and Jason’s eyes moved to his throat.   
  
Jason looked back up at Nico. “Do you always sit here during lunch?” Jason asked suddenly.  
  
Nico was caught off guard. “Why?”   
  
“I don’t know. Don’t you eat? I never see you in the cafeteria.”   
  
Nico looked away for a second. The truth was, the only thing he ate was an apple for breakfast and then maybe what his stepmom cooked for dinner. Even then, he would barely eat; only eating enough to satisfy his family.   
  
Nico turned to look at Jason again. His eyebrows were furrowed. “Do you eat?” Jason asked quietly.   
  
“My eating habits are none of your business,” Nico snapped.  
  
“That’s pretty much a no. Listen, if you ever need to talk…” Jason trailed off, as if he was thinking about something else. Nico was sure he didn’t mean it, anyways. Hazel was really the only person Nico talked to since Bianca died and that wasn’t often. He felt uncomfortable opening up to others. Part of him wanted to talk so badly but the rest? The rest knew it could easily be used against him.  
  
Nico didn’t say anything. He thought Jason would just leave but he seemed content to sit there without speaking. Nico sighed and went back to his book. It was hard to concentrate with Jason Grace in such close proximity. His blonde hair fell over his blue eyes and his cheeks were tinted pink.   
  
It wasn’t so much a crush as lust but- if Jason continued to be nice like this- it might turn into something more. That was another problem Nico had. As soon as someone so much as smiled in his direction, he began to imagine their life together. It didn’t matter if he didn’t know them; he’d still fantasize.   
  
Nico tried his best to concentrate on his book. He refused to look up at Jason. A part of him was happy they were working together but the rest knew he’d just fuck something up. The two of them didn’t speak until the bell rang. Nico packed his things up and began to leave but Jason followed.  
  
“What’s your next class?” Jason asked, walking quickly to catch up with Nico.  
  
“Why?”   
  
“Do you answer everything with why?”  
  
Nico smirked. “I’m just wondering why you care.”  
  
Jason didn’t speak for a moment. “Listen, we need to work on our project tonight. My place or yours?”  
  
“Yours,” Nico responded instantly. He didn’t want Jason to see his room. He probably already thought Nico was weird but Nico’s room was even worse. The walls were black and so was the furniture and his bed sheets. There was a reason he always looked like he just rolled out of bed- he had no mirrors except the one in his bathroom and he tried hard not to look in it.  
  
“Hold out your arm,” Jason said. Nico swallowed nervously. He didn’t want to show Jason his arm. It was covered in thick scars; pink against his sickly pale skin. There were a few fresh cuts he had made just the day before.   
  
“Don’t you have a piece of paper?” Nico asked in annoyance.  
  
Jason sighed and fumbled his binder out of his bag. He ripped a piece of out of it and scribbled a number and his address down. “Call me,” Jason told him as he handed the paper to Nico. Nico’s heart leapt in his chest. He took a deep breath to calm himself down.  
  
Nico passed the rest of the day in a haze. Every time he saw Jason, Nico would turn his head away. They didn’t speak until Nico called him after school. They talked for a few minutes and Nico headed over to Jason’s house.  
  
It was a large house with white brick and white columns. The lawn was perfectly manicured. He rang the doorbell and Jason answered with a smile. “Hey,” he said and led Nico inside. “Want anything to drink?” Nico shook his head.  
  
Inside the house was possibly even more beautiful than the outside. Nothing was out of place and the walls were a stark white. It was almost creepy how perfect everything was. Nico followed Jason upstairs and to his bedroom. The walls were white and it was almost as clean as the rest of the house. It didn’t seem much like someone lived there.  
  
Nico tried not to watch as Jason stretched out on the floor and his shirt rode up ever so slightly. Nico sat in front of him cross legged. Jason had his laptop in front of him and was looking up different poems. He’d read them out loud until Nico made him stop by shaking his head.   
  
Nico closed his eyes and listened to Jason speak. He got into the poems he read, giving them life. Nico could feel the emotion in Jason’s voice without even looking in his eyes. They had trouble finding a poem until finally, they decided on Narcissus and Echo by Fred Chappell. Ironically, Jason was Narcissus and Nico was Echo.  
  
They began to work on the scene they would act out. It didn’t have to be very long; just represent the poem. Jason pretended to be holding a mirror and looked at it longingly. Every so often, he’d stroke his face. Nico watched- eyes filled with love- and sometimes he would move his mouth or reach out a hand.   
  
It wasn’t hard to pretend to be in love with Jason. The thing was, Nico wasn’t even pretending. He liked Jason and like was one step away from love. He hated himself for it, though. Every time he liked someone he felt like a monster out for blood. He wasn’t exactly sure why; just a side effect of being him.  
  
“What are you thinking about?” Jason asked.  
  
Nico looked away. “Nothing,” he lied. Jason didn’t push the topic. They were done with the project. It wasn’t hard but he was sure some groups picked harder poems. Theirs was almost too easy to put together.   
  
Since there was nothing left to do, Nico stood to leave. “Are you going?” Nico nodded and looked at Jason for a moment. His eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was in a thin line. “You don’t have to go. Do you play video games?”   
  
Nico froze in place. Did Jason have some ulterior motive? He wasn’t really asking Nico to stay, was he? Nico sighed. “Just… one game.” He sat down in front of the TV and waited for Jason to set everything up. When he was done, Jason spread out next to Nico. He was so close that Nico could feel the heat radiating from his body.   
  
As it turned out, Nico was good at Super Smash Bros. He hadn’t played it much- preferring RPGs- but he beat Jason the first three rounds. Jason was a sore loser and cursed under his breath every time he lost. The third time this happen, Nico laughed.   
  
Suddenly, Jason stopped and stared straight at Nico. “You know, I’ve known you since you were a freshman and I’ve never heard your laugh.”   
  
Nico’s face grew red. Had Jason really been watching him that long? He’d never said anything before. “What do you mean?” Nico asked quietly.  
  
“I just,” Jason swallowed nervously. His eyes shifted away. “I just noticed you in freshman year. You seemed… interesting.”   
  
Nico raised an eyebrow but Jason didn’t expand. They didn’t speak for a moment. Nico turned away and looked back at the TV screen. “Come on, Jason. I have to kick your ass again.”  
  
Jason turned to the TV with wide eyes. “Oh hell no,” he responded angrily, “I’m going to beat you.”  
  
They played until their fingers hurt. Nico checked his phone to see the time and realized it was already 10:30. He had been at Jason’s for almost six hours. He had a few texts from Hazel asking where he was and when he’d be home. Apparently, Persephone was worried. Nico was sure she didn’t really care, though.   
  
“It’s late,” Nico said awkwardly. “I should get going.”  
  
“Wait, are you hungry? We should eat.”   
  
Nico was silent. He wasn’t that hungry; he could easily go days without eating and not even notice. Jason stared at Nico, waiting for an answer. Nico knew if he said no, Jason would ask questions but if he saw how little Nico ate, he’d surely worry. There was no way out.   
  
He felt terrible in that moment. He wanted nothing more than to die just to get out of the situation. He didn’t want Jason to ask him questions; didn’t want to answer. Suddenly, Jason pushed himself up off the floor. Nico could see a sliver of his stomach and tried not to stare.  
  
“I’m not that great of a cook,” Jason told Nico, obviously not waiting for an answer, “but I can use a microwave pretty well.”  
  
Nico nodded and let Jason lead him downstairs. “I’m not that hungry,” Nico told him when they entered the kitchen. He looked around the kitchen for a moment. There was a bowl of fruit filled with apples. That was enough for him. “Can I have an apple?”  
  
“You don’t need to ask,” Jason replied. Nico walked over and grabbed the apple. After washing it off, he bit in. He ate slowly. By the time Jason was finished eating, Nico had only eaten two thirds of his apple.  
  
Jason watched worriedly as Nico finished but he didn’t say anything. Nico ate the apple down to the core and threw it away. “Thank you,” he told Jason as he wiped his mouth. Jason just smiled, making Nico’s stomach do somersaults.   
  
Finally, Nico left and went home. The whole way, he thought of Jason. He was different than what Nico had assumed before. He was kind and didn’t pry. He smiled at Nico like he was seeing the sun for the first time. Nico hated it.  
  
He couldn’t stand the way it had taken barely a day for him to fall. He hated the way he always felt so quickly and so much. It hurt so much. It really shouldn’t have but it always did. He wanted to stop the feelings for just a moment. His head was rushing.   
  
When he got inside, Hazel was waiting for him. “Where have you been?” she asked. Her tone was worried; that’s all she did.   
  
“I was with Jason,” Nico replied, moving around her to walk up the stairs and to his bedroom.   
  
“Jason… Jason Grace?” Hazel’s eyes were wide. She grabbed Nico’s shoulder to stop him. Nico shrugged her hand off. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Nico turned around to face his sister.  
  
“There isn’t much to say. We’re working on a project together.”   
  
“For that long? What’s the project about?” Hazel crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. She was in her detective mode and wouldn’t give up until she got an answer. Nico had no choice but to answer her.  
  
“We had to turn a poem into a scene.”   
  
“And how long does that take? Actually, what was the poem?”  
  
“Narcissus and Echo.”   
  
“Are you fucking with me?” Hazel enunciated each word very slowly. Nico cringed. He knew she would have something to say about their poem choice.   
  
“It could have been worse.”   
  
“Let me guess; you’re Echo?” Nico didn’t say anything, which she took as a yes. “You’re totally fucked, aren’t you?”   
  
“Yep,” Nico replied and turned his back to go upstairs. He walked slowly- waiting for Hazel to say something else- but she was quiet.   
  
When he entered his room, he immediately turned off his light, set down his bag, and flopped down in bed. He was so drained that he didn’t even bother changing. Thinking was his prime enemy at night but this night, he found himself thinking of Jason Grace.  
  
Nico wasn’t a very social person. When he was manic, all he found himself doing was writing, drawing, or rambling to Hazel. He tried his best to keep his impulses to himself because when he got manic, he got annoying. His words came out a little too fast and the thought flow didn’t stop. He didn’t remember half of what he said, either.   
  
He tried to keep himself away from others. As a kid, he clung to Bianca but after she died, there was Hazel. He had only found about her over a month later but he was glad for her. His mind was very hard to get through but Hazel always seemed to be able to figure him out. She was the only person who didn’t seem to walk on eggshells around him.  
  
He felt peaceful around Jason but then, Jason didn’t know what Nico was really like; had never found Nico sobbing on his floor at two in the morning. He’d never seen Nico in a short sleeved shirt or walked in when Nico was changing and got an eyeful of scar tissue. He’d never witnessed one of Nico’s breakdowns. Jason Grace knew nothing about him.  
  
It hurt that Jason was starting to mean a lot to Nico and Nico would scare him away if he knew. They’d only known each other a fucking day and Nico was already imagining their life together. He imagined their house and their jobs and the way Jason would come home and kiss Nico and Nico would fall into his arms. He saw it all like it was a movie and- to be honest- it was as real as any movie would ever be. Just an image on a screen.   
  
The thoughts were getting too deep. His chest was starting to hurt. It was like there was a heavy weight pushing down on his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He didn’t want to use any of his normal coping mechanisms but there was a bottle of pills right by his bed, calling out his name. He emptied a few into the palm of his hand and swallowed them with ease.  
  
He wasn’t sure how many he had taken but he didn’t wake up until the middle of second period. His eyesight was blurry and he had trouble walking. He stumbled to the bathroom and washed his face, managing to avoid the mirror. He patted his hair down but it just stuck back up.  
  
Nico made his way to his dresser and pulled out a pair of black jeans and a black shirt with a skull on it. He pulled his clothes from the night before off. He managed to put on his shirt without tipping over but the pants were a different story. They were a little too snug and he ended up toppling on the floor. After awhile, he struggled his way into the jeans.  
  
No one was home so he was able to skip breakfast and head straight to school. He got there just as third period was beginning. He’d already missed one class with Jason (an advanced English course). Third period was theatre and- as he made his way into the classroom just a few minutes late- he caught Jason’s raised eyebrow.  
  
Jason beckoned Nico over to his table. Nico sat down in front of Jason begrudgingly, hoping Jason didn’t notice the way Nico was staggering. Nico pulled the chair out and sat without falling down. He began to take his books out, noting the way his hands fumbled.   
  
“What’s wrong with you?” Jason hissed.   
  
Nico looked up blearily. “I’m perfectly fine,” he slurred, closing his backpack as hard as cloth would allow. Jason’s eyebrow raised even further.   
  
“Are you high?”   
  
Nico laughed softly. Something about the question was funny. Was Nico high? As a fucking kite. He must have taken a lot because he was totally out of it. “I think I took too much last night,” Nico replied.   
  
“Too much what?” Jason asked fervidly.  
  
“Sleeping pills.”   
  
Jason sighed and rubbed his forehead. “How many is too many?”  
  
“Maybe 6,” Nico estimated with a grin. This was it. Jason would think he was weird and request a different partner. They could state it was irreconcilable differences.   
  
Jason let out a sigh. “It’s nothing to smile about, Nico.”   
  
“I’m not smiling about the pills. I’m smiling because you think I’m totally crazy and fucked up now, right?”   
  
“Why would that make you smile?” Jason asked angrily. He tried to keep his voice down but they still got a few weird looks.  
  
“You don’t want to work with me anymore, do you? So there’s no reason to hope.”  
  
Jason was silent for a minute. He clenched his fists tightly and closed his eyes. “Hope for what?” he finally managed to say in a strangled voice.  
  
“Anything,” Nico said. His mind was screaming “for us” but he couldn’t say it. He’d known Jason one day; he wasn’t about to confess he was totally head over heels. Anyways, he’d have to get over Jason soon with the way things were going.   
  
Jason opened his eyes and stared at Nico intensely. Nico was beginning to drown in Jason’s eyes when Jason spoke,“I’m not just going to run because you have a few problems.”   
  
Nico snorted. “Honey,” he said derisively, “I have more than a few.”  
  
“I don’t care,” Jason told Nico. “I’m not going to hate you. Everyone has problems.” Nico didn’t reply that golden boy Grace was perfect; had everything right. His family was perfect and so was he.  
  
“Do you want to come over tonight?” Nico suddenly said, seemingly changing the topic. Jason cocked his head to the side in confusion. He wasn’t sure what the had to do with their conversation but he didn’t push. Instead, he just nodded. “Hold out your arm.”  
  
Jason did as he was told and Nico grabbed it. Electricity shot between the two of them. It felt like Nico’s whole body was being shocked. His eyes widened for a moment. Jason furrowed his eyebrows; Nico was sure he noticed Nico’s weird reaction.   
  
Slowly- savouring the heat of Jason’s skin against his- he wrote his address down on Jason’s arm. “I’ll come over straight after school,” Jason said.   
  
“See you then,” Nico responded.  
  
Nico had spent the day weighing his options; trying to figure out how to scare Jason away. His best bet was letting Jason see the cuts. A perfect kid like Jason wouldn’t be able to handle that.  
  
For lunch, he went to the library like he did every day. He didn’t even look up as Jason sat down. Jason waved his hand in front of Nico’s face. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m not real,” Jason said in a wistful tone.  
  
“Don’t worry, you are,” Nico replied.  
  
Jason frowned but didn’t reply. He watched Nico read for a few minutes and then pulled out his own homework. Every now and then, Nico would look up at Jason and then look away. Jason just smiled and did his work.   
  
They didn’t really talk but it was nice and Nico felt like he was at home. Being around Jason like that made him feel comfortable in a way that not even Hazel made him feel. He knew it wouldn’t last so he cherished every moment of it.  
  
When the bell rang, they didn’t even say goodbye; just went their separate ways. Nico spent the rest of the day nervously awaiting their meeting. He wasn’t used to having people in his room; even Hazel wasn’t allowed in there. Having Jason in there was a big step in their two day friendship.  
  
He got home and instantly went upstairs to tidy his room. It was actually really clean so all he really did was hide the pill bottles so Jason wouldn’t see them. He replaced his long sleeved shirt with one of the few short sleeves shirts he had and then put a cardigan over it.  
  
The doorbell rang and he heard Hazel answer it. “Nico!” she called, “Jason is here.”  
  
As Nico walked downstairs, she raised her eyebrows. He’d never had anyone over before but Percy. Even then, Percy hadn’t seen Nico’s room. Jason smiled as soon as he saw. “Hey,” Jason called out softly.  
  
“Follow me,” was Nico’s reply.   
  
Jason obliged and followed Nico to his room. Nico’s room was down the hall, to the left. It wasn’t hard to find. Even if you accidentally went in, you could tell whose it was. He opened the door and led Jason in. Even with his light on, it was still dark. The black walls didn’t do anything to make it any brighter.   
  
“I don’t know what I expected,” Jason said with a grin. He went to sit on the floor in front of the TV and began to browse through Nico’s video games. Every now and then, he’d let out an appreciative coo.   
  
“You don’t think it’s weird?” Nico asked as he sat down next to Jason. Their knees touched and a shock ran throughout Nico’s body. He shuddered, hoping Jason didn’t notice.   
  
“I mean, kind of but I’m not judging. It’s kind of cute how dedicated you are to the colour black.” Jason looked around. It was the exact opposite of his room in colours but it wasn’t very well inhabited. It was a bit too clean and there weren’t many personal things. The only personal things he saw were two pictures. One was of a smiling Nico with a girl who looked eerily similar to him and one was of Hazel.   
  
Nico blushed. He swallowed harshly. He was getting sidetracked; he’d only brought Jason over to prove that he wasn’t worthy. “I actually had something to show you,” Nico began. He closed his eyes for a moment. His whole body was shaking.  
  
Jason didn’t say anything as Nico slipped off his cardigan. Underneath it was a short sleeved shirt. Nico’s arms were riddled with scars. It was like his arms were a map drawing out the pain in his mind. Nico swallowed again; his throat was so dry.  
  
His heart pounded in his chest. “Say something,” Nico choked out. Jason reached out a hand to touch Nico’s arm. Nico flinched but didn’t pull away. “You think I’m crazy, right?”   
  
Jason shook his head and pulled his hand back. “You’re not crazy, Nico.”   
  
“How can you say that?” Nico whispered, though his voice grew louder with every word. “Most people would think I’m some fucked up freak!” His heartbeat grew more rapid by the second. His lungs felt like they were going to collapse any moment. He wanted to scream and run away. He regretted doing this but he had to.   
  
“I’m not most people,” Jason said softly.  
  
That was Nico’s breaking point. Not most people? If you meant absolutely perfect in every single way, then Jason Grace was not most people. He was better than most people. He was an all star athlete and at the top of his class. He was good looking and kind. He was right that he wasn’t most people but he didn’t mean it that way.  
  
Nico threw his head back and laughed. When he finally caught hold of himself, there was a manic glint in his eyes. “Not most people? You’re the stereotype of popular high school jock. The only difference is you’re a little more perfect.”  
  
Jason didn’t speak for a moment. When he did, his voice was solemn. “You don’t know anything about me, Nico.” Nico didn’t know how much more he could know. There wasn’t much depth to Jason Grace.  
  
“Really?” Nico spat.   
  
Instead of answering with words, Jason rolled up his sleeves. He turned his arms over and Nico’s eyes fixed upon two puffy pink gashes. They were long healed but they were still thick. It was at that moment that Nico realized he had never really seen Jason in short sleeves.   
  
“My sister ran away when I was nine,” Jason began to say in a quiet voice. He had never really spoken about his past before. “My parents refuse to talk about her; they say they don’t have a daughter. My mom is an alcoholic. Compared to how she treats me, my dad is a saint. All he does is make me feel like shit but,” Jason laughed, ”he doesn’t need to use his hands.”   
  
Nico was silent. He felt horrible. His only claim to sadness was that his sister died. He didn’t have a mother, either, but he had never really known her. His dad wasn’t home much but he didn’t treat Nico badly and his stepmom was kind enough. Nico may have been messed up in the head but he didn’t have as much reason to be.  
  
Then there was Jason who seemed perfect. The only thing that made him seem less than perfect was a small scar over his lip. A thought struck Nico; one he abhorred. “Where’d you get your scar?” Nico asked suddenly.   
  
“My mom threw a stapler at me when I was younger. I’m lucky all I have is this scar.”   
  
Nico didn’t know what to say. Instead of speaking, he reached out and wrapped his arms around Jason. The position was kind of awkward and Nico was almost in Jason’s lap but he didn’t care. He needed to touch him; to hold him until he was whole again.   
  
Nico couldn’t imagine what Jason had been through; didn’t even want to try. He only cared that right now, Jason was in his arms. “If you ever need a place to stay,” Nico said into Jason’s neck, “I’m here.”   
  
Jason replied by wrapping his arms around Nico. He pulled Nico in as closely as possible and squeezed him tightly. They stayed like that for awhile; neither of them sure how long. Nico was aware of Jason’s heartbeat thrumming throughout his body. Their heartbeats began to slow down and synchronize.   
  
Nico’s breathing was shallow as he pulled his head away from the crook of Jason’s neck and looked at Jason through his eyelashes. Jason stared back. Gravity was pulling them closer and closer. Their noses were pressed against each other and lips were just a hair’s breadth apart. Nico closed the gap.  
  
Fireworks exploded behind Nico’s eyelids and electricity coursed throughout his entire body. He curled his fingers into Jason’s shirt and kissed him hard. It was like they were drowning and- only with one another- could they survive. Jason explored Nico’s mouth, eliciting a moan.   
  
Jason was more experienced than Nico but Nico was passionate. He wrapped a hand around Jason’s neck and pulled him closer. They were like the moon and the tide; one pulled the other in and then the other would pull them back. When they finally had to part, they struggled to breathe.   
  
Nico pushed his face into Jason’s chest and breathed his scent in. They sat there in silence for a few more minutes. After awhile, Jason pulled away. “I need to go soon,” he whispered.  
  
Nico just nodded and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “See you tomorrow?” Nico asked hopefully.   
  
“Like you have a choice,” Jason responded with a grin. Nico smiled back and watched Jason leave.  
  
He slept well that night. For once in a long time, he felt happy. It wasn’t the overwhelming mania that he usually felt; just simple contentedness. He wished he had Jason back in his arms but his warmth still coursed through Nico’s body.  
  
The next day, Jason found Nico in the throngs of people gathered before school. It wasn’t really hard considering Nico was at his locker. Jason wrapped his arms around Nico and whispered in his ear, “Guess who?”  
  
“Percy?” Nico breathed.  
  
Jason was silent for a moment. “You mean Percy Jackson? The swimmer?”   
  
Nico nodded. He couldn’t see it but Jason rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know you knew him.”  
  
“I tutor him,” Nico replied. Finally, he turned around. Jason placed his hands on Nico’s hips and leaned down to kiss him. There were a few catcalls and Nico blushed. “I can’t believe you’re doing that here.”  
  
“What?” Jason asked, “Kissing you?” Nico didn’t say anything. “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me, Nico?”  
  
“No, I just can’t believe you’re with me,” Nico answered truthfully. He couldn’t believe anyone would love him; let alone Jason Grace.   
  
“Well, you’ll have to get used to it,” Jason told him before giving Nico another kiss. The bell rang and Jason walked Nico to class, hand never leaving Nico’s waist. They kissed lightly on the lips. Jason squeezed Nico’s waist and then let go. He began to walk backwards while waving, nearly tripping over someone. Nico giggled.

  
When they weren’t in class together, they texted. When they were, they just talked lightly. It was like they were off in another world. They got in trouble with their theatre teacher for talking but it was worth it. Talking to Jason made Nico happier than he had been, even before Bianca died.  
  
At lunch, Jason sat with Nico like he had the days before. Sometimes, Nico wrote letters to his sister at lunch. He’d sometimes burn them at her grave as some symbolic offering. Today, he was telling her about Jason. He was happy for the first time since her death. It wasn’t pure happiness but it was a start.

  
“What are you writing?” Jason asked through a chicken sandwich.  
  
“A letter to my sister,” Nico replied.  
  
“Hazel?”   
  
Nico shook his head. He hadn’t really told Jason about Bianca yet. It was still hard to talk about her. He wouldn’t break down; just get depressed and stop talking before he did. “My other sister, Bianca,” Nico whispered.  
  
“Where is she?”   
  
Nico looked down at the letter for a moment. “If I believed in God, I’d say Heaven but I stopped believing when she died.”   
  
The atmosphere around them changed in an instant. Jason put his sandwich down. “I’m sorry,” he told Nico quietly. Nico didn’t reply, just gave a grim smile. “I don’t even know if my sister is alive,” Jason confessed.  
  
“When’s the last time you talked to her?”  
  
“The day she ran away she told me she loved me. I haven’t heard from her since.”  
  
Nico swallowed. Jason hadn’t seen or heard from his sister in nine years. He wondered how it felt; not knowing if she was alive or safe. She could be living on the streets or worse. Anything could have happened and Jason didn’t know.   
  
“God,” Nico breathed.   
  
“How’d she die?” Jason asked.  
  
Nico didn’t respond for a moment. The memories were coming back up. The thought of Bianca hallucinating and screaming… The thought of her tearing at everyone who came near with wild strength that not even morphine could rid her of. It was hard to think about without breaking completely. He could hear her screams echoing through his ears; not even headphones would block it out.  
  
“Cancer. We caught it too late and she was so sick. My dad… He had doctors fly in from all over the world; he took Bianca to the best hospitals. Nothing helped and the cancer kept metastasizing.” Nico swallowed thickly and blinked back tears.  
  
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Jason told him quietly. His chest felt heavy. He could feel the pain radiating from Nico. He wasn’t sure what to do so he grabbed Nico’s hand and held it tightly.   
  
Nico shook his head. “I want to tell you… She had a lot of brain tumors. They told us she’d die within a few months and she held on for over a year. She was so strong, Jason. She went into remission for awhile and the colour came back in her cheeks…” His voice broke during the last sentence and Jason winced. He wasn’t sure what was coming next but he knew it wouldn’t be good. Nico shut his eyes tightly for a moment and took a deep breath.  
  
“One day, everything went to hell. She had an appointment with the doctors and they did a CAT scan. The cancer was back so they did more tests. She had so many tumors so they propped her up on medicine but the cancer got worse and worse. When she was on hospice… She didn’t even recognize me.”   
  
Nico stopped speaking, his mouth a grim line. He swallowed thickly; his grip on Jason’s hand tightening. “I couldn’t see her like that. I had been watching her die for nearly two years and it just- it was too much. I was so high for most of it that I don’t even remember. I knew it was wrong but there were so many painkillers in the house… I don’t remember her funeral.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Jason whispered, squeezing Nico’s hand. Nico nodded but didn’t reply. Jason didn’t eat after that; his stomach was sick.   
  
The rest of the day was solemn. Nico had never really talked about Bianca before. Percy knew a little but he never pried into it. He didn’t ask anything that Nico didn’t first offer. Jason was curious but he didn’t push too hard. The difference was, Nico trusted Jason and knew he’d understand.   
  
After school, Nico went to Jason’s house. Jason was smart; actually knowing more than Nico most times. They managed to finish their homework in record time. They played video games after that. Jason was sitting so close to Nico that he was almost on top of him. Nico couldn’t concentrate.  
“Are you doing that on purpose?” Nico asked.  
  
“What?” Jason replied in confusion.  
  
“Sitting so close…”  
  
Jason grinned deviously. “Is it a problem?” He reached out, tangling a hand in Nico’s hair and turning Nico’s head toward him. Nico’s lips parted ever so slightly as he took in a breath. Jason closed the gap between them.   
  
Feet pounded up the stairs but they were too caught up in one another to notice. Suddenly, Jason’s door opened. There was a giggle and Jason turned his head to see his mom hanging onto the doorframe to stay upright.   
  
“Mom,” Jason said coldly. Nico froze in place.  
  
“I see I’ve interrupted something,” she slurred. She gave them a blood chilling smile. For a moment, her eyes seemed clear. “Jason, aren’t you going to introduce me?” She staggered over to where Jason and Nico were still interlocked. They untangled themselves from one another and stood up.  
  
“Mom, this is Nico,” Jason said slowly, “Nico, this is my mom.”  
  
Nico managed a smile and reached out his hand, “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Grace.”  
  
Mrs. Grace threw back her head and laughed. “No need to be so formal, honey. Call me Brittany.”   
  
Nico dropped his hand and nodded. “Yes ma’am.”  
  
“I like him,” Brittany told her son, “Nice manners. It’s too bad he’s a boy, though, I was hoping for grandkids. And he’s kind of scrawny. Does he have good grades at least? I doubt he plays any sports.”  
  
“He’s right here, mom, and he can hear you,” was Jason’s reply.   
  
She covered her mouth with her hand and giggled. “Whoops,” she said as she shrugged her shoulders. “I always get a bit out of it when I drink.” She moved her hand and gave Nico an embarrassed smile, as if it was all some joke. Nico swallowed uncomfortably and smiled back.  
  
“You say that like you’re not always like this,” Jason muttered under his breath.  
  
Brittany’s smile grew until it resembled a wolf’s. “Did you say something, honey? I’ve always told you not to mumble.”  
  
“No, mother, I didn’t say anything.”   
  
“Well, I must be hearing things. You still are gay, right? Or am I just hoping that was a hallucination?”  
  
Jason flinched. Nico reached out to touch his arm. Her eyes followed them and narrowed into a slit. “I guess it was real. It’s a shame you’re such a disappointment, Jason. I was hoping you’d at least have kids that lived up to the family name.”  
  
“It’s a good thing you still have Thalia, then,” Jason told her impulsively.  
  
His mom cocked her head to the side. “Who’s that, sweetheart? An imaginary friend?”   
  
“Your daughter.”   
  
“I’ll have to schedule an appointment with your psychiatrist. Nico, did he tell you about his little suicide attempt a few years back?” She let out a loud laugh. “Poor thing even failed at that.”  
  
Jason grit his teeth together. “I learned from the best.”  
  
Suddenly, the laughter stopped and her eyes grew deadly. “What’s that supposed to mean, honey?”  
  
It was too late to quit now. “Well, if I didn’t have such a failure of a mother, maybe I’d have died like I wanted to. But- then again- if you weren’t such a horrible mother, Thalia wouldn’t have run away and you and dad wouldn’t have to keep up your sad charade that she doesn’t exist.”  
  
There was a loud crack as her hand flew across Jason’s face. It began to turn red from where she had hit him. Tears peppered his eyes but he didn’t allow them to spill. “You’re such an ungrateful little boy. I give you a roof to live under and food to eat and this is how you repay me? What happened to that nice girl you used to date? She was beautiful and smart… You gave her up for this?” She gave Nico a dirty look. Then she sighed and shook her head. “It’s a shame, really. Your father will be so disappointed in you.”  
  
Jason smirked. “Tell him it’s too bad he married such a bitch,” he spat. She pursed her lips angrily and hit him again but Jason just laughed.   
  
“Out!” she yelled, “Out of my house!”  
  
Jason only smiled and took Nico’s hand in his as he walked away.  
  
When they finally got to Nico’s house, Jason broke down. The handprints stung but his mother’s words hurt even more. He barely made it to the door before he let the tears go. Hazel opened it for them and shot Nico a look as he helped Jason through. Nico returned it and she just nodded.   
  
Neither of them spoke about it. Instead, they crawled into Nico’s bed and Nico held Jason. Nico ran his fingers through Jason’s hair. After awhile, his sobs turned into the occasional hiccup and he began to drift to sleep.  
  
The next day, Jason didn’t go to school so Nico stayed home with him. They knew that inevitably, Jason would have to pick his things up from his house. Nico offered to go with him but Jason refused. He was scared his mother would be there and something else would happen.  
  
While Jason was gone, Nico got to work. His family had money; enough for him to hire a private investigator with no one even noticing. His goal was to find Thalia… He wasn’t sure where to begin so he gave the man any information he possibly had.   
**  
**


	2. Chapter 2

One month later, Nico got a call from the private investigator. As it turned out, Thalia lived only a state away. She had gone to college and was working with at risk youth now. Nico grinned. It was summer so they had time off… Nico decided a surprise trip was in order.  
  
Jason hated surprises but he let Nico coax him into packing for a few days. Nico wondered how Thalia would react to seeing her little brother for the first time in nearly ten years. He hoped she would be happy to see him. Nico knew Jason would be elated.  
  
The car ride was long and Nico got lost a few times. He was a bad navigator and didn’t trust Jason with a map. As it turned out, Jason was even worse. Of all his good qualities, he could not read a map.   
  
It took them almost a full day to reach Thalia but when they did, it was worth it. She hadn’t changed much from the 16 year old that Jason remembered. Nico had seen a picture of her; her hair was choppy and short with an electric blue streak in it that contrasted against the black. She had a crooked smile and dimples. She wore zipper earrings and her whole right ear was lined with studs.   
  
Nico saw her as she walked into a small coffee shop. He dragged Jason into the coffee shop, telling Jason they needed a pick me up. They ordered their coffee and picked a spot as they waited for their order. Thalia was sitting near the back so Nico sat them as close to her as he could.  
  
When they called her name to get her order, Jason’s head snapped up. A part of him was still waiting for her everyday and he’d never met another Thalia… He was so ready to be disappointed.   
  
He watched as she walked to the counter and waited, waited for her to turn around. When she did, all the breath was taken from his body and his eyes widened. He stood up hastily and gripped Nico’s shoulder. “It’s her,” he whispered frantically.   
  
“Who?” Nico asked in a calm voice.  
  
“My sister,” was all Jason said.   
  
He wasn’t sure what to do until Nico pushed him forward and whispered, “Go see her.”  
  
He wasn’t sure what Jason said as he stammered to Thalia but he watched them embrace and cry and thought just maybe, things could be okay.


End file.
